Almost There! 5 Children Not Selected for Upcoming Soul Asylum Music Video

pretty sure even Brendan’s parents are in agreement here, so let’s let sleeping dogs lie and not contract Soul Asylum for their help in finding him. We’re actually starting to think they really did their homework here, and we’re just wasting our time and yours by listing these nightmare children.
Lori Haverbrook (14 years old, Lincoln, Nebraska)
Jesus Christ, this girl killed a bunch of dogs. She killed people’s dogs. Countless sources throughout Lincoln confirmed this. In fact, she was run out of town by an angry mob of townspeople that included her own parents. Soul Asylum is doing the right thing here. This kid is an irredeemable demon-spawn who is completely unworthy of returning home through her appearance in an alternative music video. In fact, if you’re in one of the communities that surrounds Lincoln and you see Lori, lock yourself in your house with your dog and call the police. For the love of God, do not attempt to make contact with her.

Neil Corbin (13 years old, Hialeah, Florida)
Ugh, we still have one more after this? Yes, Neil is missing. No, that’s not a bad thing. Have you seen “Adolescence” on Netflix? That’s nothing compared to what Neil did, and no, we’re not going to go into details. At least that kid had the excuse of having been completely corrupted by the Internet, but Neil’s parents didn’t even grant him access. They rightly thought it would make him worse, as if that could even be possible. Trust us: just appreciate the new Soul Asylum video when it comes out and don’t trouble yourself with a single concerned thought about Neil.

Damien Thorn (12 years old, Chicago, Illinois)
Honestly, we’re kind of confused that the band decided to pass on including Damien in their music video. From the conversations we’ve had with his family and the faculty at his academy, Damien is a bright, natural leader with a spotless behavioral record. Strangely, nobody we talked to seemed particularly phased by Damien’s disappearance, and some even gave us knowing smiles while saying something like “the infernal plan will surely come to fruition with our beloved Damien.” We’re not sure what that’s all about, but we implore Soul Asylum to reconsider their decision so we can return this future President to his Lincoln Park mansion.
There you have it. With the exception of #5, Soul Asylum is doing a bang-up job with their winnowing down of potentials to star in their new single. Stay tuned for our upcoming list of kids who didn’t make the cut to be the tap dancing kid in the next Blind Melon music video!